“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “The Swiss have an interesting army. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them." I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “Why do people give each other flowers? Have this deceased squirrel.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “You know you really need some help. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.” ― Jerry Seinfeld “Life is truly a ride. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.